Tammy

Thu, 27 Jan 2005 01:03:58 GMT

New journal for a new life. I've started over. www.livejournal.com/users/koolaidcherry

Thu, 27 Jan 2005 01:01:00 GMT

I did it, I am in Valdosta. I changed a lot of my journal to friend's only, just fyi.
I love my new apartment.
I love it!
It's awesome.
Spacious.
I'm really enjoying living in GA again. Sure, I miss a lot of people, but on the other hand, there's a lot of people I never want to see again, so it pretty much balances out.
I have successfully locked myself out of my house already, AND took a two hour trip to drive down the street for the first time by myself. I got very very lost. It was great.
I have watched Napolean Dynomite every day for the past three days. I cannot get over that movie. Man, when that dance scene comes on, I jump up, rewind it over and over, and I'm learning those damn moves! Oh, I guess it's pretty much needless to say, I get very bored. Mike isn't home often, so I find interesting ways to kill time.
Okay, I'm going to go get another beer, smoke a little something, and do some more DANCING! Yeah, this is the life.

Fri, 24 Dec 2004 06:30:36 GMT

I'm so tired... I went to bed at 4 am, then mom woke me up bright and early at 8. It sucked. She was still up and wasted from last night.
I went out and played pool last night. It was empty in there. I played really badly. It was an off night. I was stoned too, which never helps. I went with T and Jeana. Matt showed up too, and I played a game with him. I want to hang out with him for more than a few minutes sometime here soon. We should set that up.
It wasn't a great night. After a few games we just drove around, smoked, then headed home. Nothing terribly interesting.
TOday I stayed in all day and fought with my mom. This is the first night i've been home all day in a long time.... yeah.... it's not so great either.

Sun, 19 Dec 2004 06:53:43 GMT

Where do I begin? Doug has been calling me like every flippin' day, I'm guessing so I can drive him around, but I didn't pick up. I like Doug, but in small doses. I can't handle him around all the time. It's too much.
Yesterday afternoon I went and hung out with Chris at around 5ish for a while. I chilled with him for like 2 hours. I like hanging out with him, especially high, cause he makes me laugh like nothing else.
I went grocery shopping then came home, and called my homegirl. I love using ghetto slang, cause i'm just oh so white.
We went up to the pool hall, with the intention of bringing a handful of people, but that fell through. IT was just Cheeta and I. Matt was supposed to meet us up there but he stood me up! Can you believe that, i got stood up by Matt! Thats not cool...
We waited for him to show for like an hour, but Jeana wasn't having fun, and she was feeling crumby, so we left.
I ended up hanging out with my brother and his little friend. It was sad.
Tonight we went to Donnie's and drank. WE also played with kids. It was alright.
We went to Chris's house afterwards, cause it was still early. I called before going over there, and it was all good. I got there, and he was messaging someone on his phone and seemed upset. He said I am going to sleep, and went to bed. I don't know what that was about, but he said something just happened. I hope no one else died! He wasreally upset about John, caus he lived with him for two years. Anyways, I'll go see him tomorrow and see if he's okay, maybe get him a little high, make him feel better.
All in all, I've had better weekends.

Tue, 14 Dec 2004 10:14:36 GMT

"And if you were with me tonight, I'd sing to you just one last time... a song for a heart so big, god wouldn't let it live. May angels lead you in...."
John Hoenshell.
I wonder if he knows, somehow, that I'm crying nonstop in my bedroom, even though we have talked only twice since high school.
We talked every day, making fun of the preppy idiots in our English class. We put on a puppet show together, and he was so hilarious. He was so brilliant, just amazing. I was crazy about the little plant loving rocker. He wanted to be a botonist. He would've been good at it too. He will be missed more than he could ever possibly know. The world has suffered a horrible loss since John took his last breath. It makes me sad that all I can do is burn a candle in his honor, because he was someone more honorable than most.
I've decided on a new work of art. A masterpiece. A tree in honor of John. If he did come back, which I think happens, given energy never dies, he would be a tree, a big beautiful oak like the one I admired and climbed all over today. I think he'd like that. He always loved my art. I remember bringing him into the art room and showing him my work. He wanted me to teach him how to draw, so we sat and drew while we skipped to class we were supposed to be in. He drew a tree.
I'm struggling with the fact that I'll never see him again. I can't let go. I can't come to terms with this.

Sat, 11 Dec 2004 00:47:50 GMT

What a lazy day. I refused to get out of my pj's today. I did take a shower, cause I felt gross, but still, that's the only productive thing I've done. I'm rebelling against responsibility today, and loving it. When I got up this morning to get my little sister ready for school, my mom was plastered (7 fucking am) so I got a little mad. I heldit in though.... UNTIL she started being mean for no reason. She was upset about something and took it out on me. She caled me an idiot and said she didn't have to explain anything to my GRIMES ASS (Grimes being mine and my father's last name, who she doesn't like, basically implying that I was like my father, which in my opinion isn't a terrible thing.) I told my mother to fuck off. I don't like to tell my mom that word, but it was well deserved. Fucking lush. After that, I drove Emily to school, went back to bed, and spent the entire day doing NOTHING. She can't treat me like that and expect me to be all Cinderella on her ass, no fucking way.
Of course, she doesn't know "what my problem is" though, because she doesn't remember this morning. Go figure.
I need to get out.

Fri, 10 Dec 2004 08:00:51 GMT

I doubt that you'll want to know this if your gender happens to be male, so that's a fair warning.
Want to know something FUCKED up?
I, as most of my good girlfriends know, do not get a period but every six months or so. I never complained about that. I seriously do not mind not bleeding on a monthly basis.
Well, I had my period back in Sept., two days before Incubus.
I had another at the middle of November, which is irregular for me, it's early. I didn't complain though, I had no one to fuck anyway.
I just went potty, and what did I see??? Blood! What the FUCK!?!? It hasn't even been a MONTH since my last period.
Crazy fucking body.
It aint easy being a female. This shit is fucked up.

Fri, 03 Dec 2004 16:57:02 GMT

I checked on my stupid financial aid today. They are still working on it! Here I am, at the end of the semester, and I still have not received my check, nor have I received my acceptance letter! WTF!
I'm hanging out with some boys from lunch in high school right now. I haven't hung out with them since high school, so it's kind of neat.
I'm really excited that mikey is coming down this weekend. I haven't gotten any dick in like 2 weeks!
I think we might go bowling, who knows. I haven't been bowling in a good six months, so of course I'm going to suck ass at it, BUT I have free bowling coupons, so it's all good. Coupons are the greatest things ever made.
I am tired. I should go home and watch tv, and sleep. I have a lot to do though. I have to put red streaks in my hair, do my laundry, clean my room, and stuff...
I'm going to go, I have nothing left to say, shocking, ay?

Wed, 24 Nov 2004 17:23:38 GMT

Okay, so I'm not hungry, and I got out of Sociology early, because we had a test today, and I don't have another class until 1:10, I have no one to hang out with, and I have all these issues swimming in my head... What does that mean??? Yet another LONG ASS ENTRY!
Facing my own issues as far as self worth, and success, or lack there of, and a feeling of total and utter unhappiness with my lot in life, I decided it was time to talk to someone, get a good slap of reality, someone to tell me what I already know I need to do, I just needed to hear it. I thought to myself, who do I know that is successful, has self worth, and seems to be generally happy with their lot in life... hmmmm.... Who do I know.... Then there he stood...
The last person that I thought would aide me in this life crisis, someone I never really liked, but admired... Mr. Thursby, smoking on a cigarette.
I walked up to Mr. Thrusby, who I never have gotten along with, and he asked me what was going on. I told him I was having this crisis with my idenity, that I had no drive. I knew what I wanted but I lacked the ambition to get there, and I was failing miserably. I asked him first what he wanted to be when he was little. He said he always wanted to be a teacher. I told him, me too. Thus by asking this question, I established in my own mind that he really was successful, not concerning money, even though he is loaded, but in that he reached his initial life goal, making him a success. Then I asked the next question to futher establish that I was talking to the right person for what I needed to know. I asked him if he was happy with what he was doing. He said that since he has been at CFCC there was not one day that he did not want to get out of bed and teach. He said that sure there are times when you run across a student that is an asshole, or there are certain problems that arise, but still, he never got to a day that he sat back and said I do not want to go teach today. That set the entire talk off because I had established that he is the perfect success story to talk to, and even better, he had succeeded in the same goal that I had ever since I was in second grade; teaching art, and being loaded.
He told me everything I already knew, and everything I needed to hear. There are no secrets to success, it's common knowledge. If you want the goal, you have to work to get there. Appearently, there's no getting around it. SO, I guess I can't put all my hopes on winning the lottery. He asked me what my GPA was, and I told him the sad truth, and he asked me how many credits I had, and I told him that I was so far from caring that I haven't even looked, and had no clue. He told me I needed to buckle down, and just go for my goal. He said that the self worth will come once you've started the path to success, and you just need to kick your own ass and go do it. He said as far as jobs go right now, find something that you are interested in, dress nicely, and make the job yours. Get out of bed, and do it. Party later. When you are 25, you should have your AA, and you'll call me up, and then we will go have a drink.
He hit every nail on the head, and told me exactly what I needed to know, needed to hear, needed to do. He is my savior of the day. He said not to worry about personal relationship, not let them cloud my mind. He said not to focus on them, get my priorities straight, love will come later in life. He's right. It's is inevitable that one day I will have someone, no one dies without ever having been loved, no matter who you are, so I need to get over my fear of being alone. I should be alone right now. I'm not going to get rid of mike, but I should be my top priority. I should be the first thing that matters right now. That's the bottom line, and the funny thing is, I KNOW this stuff, but I still haven't followed through with it. I'm doing just AWFUL in school, and if you back track my entires, you'll see how fucking excited I was to be going to school this semester. What happened to that fire??? Why did it burn out??? What a crappy time to do so. I have no drive anymore. Today is a changing day though. This is a pivital moment in my life.
I think back to the person that instilled this idea of teaching into me. My parents are pretty crappy, and they are people I don't want to be, always have been, so I looked up to someone else, my teacher. My second grade teacher ms. Brown was someone I admired more than anyone else in my life, so naturally, I wanted to be her. I wanted her life, she was what I aspired to be.
Through the years, Ms. Brown faded, I lost sight of who I wanted to be, and lost my drive completely. I lost who I was. It's a terrible feeling to lose yourself, lose who you are, lose who you want to be.
Again, I looked to someone for myself. I moved to GA, so I had no father figure in my life, and my mom was tired of having kids, and turned her attention to other more important things. Who did I turn to?? Yet another teacher. Mr. Almand, probably the singlemost influental person in my life to this date. He was my art teacher. He turned me on to a passion and opened a talent that I didn't know I had in 7th grade. He lit a fire inside me that still burns, although it's faded drastically as my self worth did. He was my father figure, the man I went to for everything. He was the most admirable person I knew, and he was living the life I wanted. I wanted to touch someone the way he touched me. It became the most important thing to me. I established my goal. Touch a person through the beauty of art, mold a young mind, and make a beautiful person, it in it's self is an art if you think about it. The man taught me for 5 years.
Then I moved.
Since then, I haven't had that one person that I wanted to be. Thursby shared my goal, but I didn't like him at all. Not as a person, too erogant. I found him today, and he was exactly what I wanted to be. Oh to be that cocky, must be a wonderful life. Oh to be that rich, who wouldn't have the errogance?? Oh to be successful, he's happy, and I envied him, that was a key source of my anger and hate toward the man. Yet again, a teacher came to my aide though. They really are wonderful people, but they should get paid more!!!! That's been the main deterrent lately in my want to be a teacher, the money. It's not lucative enough, I have expensive tastes!
I'll go to school longer though, thus solving the money issue, and I can still marry someone rich, and do what I love to do, so it's all good.
I still have another hour before I have anywhere to be. I know it's kind of against everything that I have said, but I'm not going to go to math class... Hear me out though before you scream hypocrite at me! There is a lecture at the same time that I absolutely do not want to miss. It's extra credit too for sociology, so even though I'm losing points in math, at least i'll be gaining in another. It's a lecture on race and ethnicity, and the confederate flag. I just wrote my next sociology essay on race and I included alot about the changing of the state flag of ga when I was in 10th grade, and all the riots and hate that resulted, even though it was an essential step in the changing world, and should've been done a long time ago. The state flag of GA used to be the Confederate flag, by the way. But I think going to this lecture would benefit me much more in the grand scheme of things than going to a class where there is virtually no hope of passing. I think this lecture will be much more beneficial to me, both as a person, and in my sociology class. I hope there's discussion too, not just lecture, cause I can get real up and passionate about the subject of race and discrimination.
Wow, this could possibly be one of largest entires ever, yet I'll continue anyhow.
Why in the world am I so captivated by the transvestite that works here in the learning resource center?? Why do I always look at her and wonder why she's trying to be a boy? What is so interesting to me about the psyche of a person trying to be a sex other than the one they were born with. I'm pretty sure she thinks I have a crush on her, cause I'm always looking at her!!! And when she catches me, I smile, and nod, because I know I'm being rude by looking. I'm pretty fucked up, and it drives me crazy, but I can't help it, it's like eating chocolate. I'm not attracted to her in the least bit. I think if I knew the things that I wonder about, I'd probably vomit. I'm one sick individual is the only conclusion I can come to.
I'm so going to change the subject before I make myself even more confused.
I'm going to go have a cigarette, then I'll probably be back, so beware, there is probably even more to come. Sorry friends, for taking up so much space on your friends' entries page.

Wed, 24 Nov 2004 14:59:24 GMT

I went out drinking last night, two reasons why; my cousin, who I haven't seen in like 5 years, came up from Ft. Lauderdale and for the first time ever, we're both 21 while hanging out... it just seemed like the right thing to do. Second reason; I was taught that the proper why to treat depression, after the obvious first step of crawling into a pathetic ball and crying, is to drink or smoke, or alter your perception of real life in some way so that the pain is less obvious for the short time you are inebriated.... Wait a second.... something is telling me something... WHAT?? That's NOT how you're supposed to deal with depression??? That's what my mom does!! Oh no, my beliefs are wrong! My whole world is shaken! What ever shall I do?!?!? I think I need a drink...
Just kidding... Just ragging on my mom I guess. Yes, I did pick up a bottle and try to wash away pain, but I also did it to have a good time, so have no fear. It's only the second time I've drank steve away, and I know it obviously doesn't work very well.. still hurts.
Last night my cousin Christina got in around 10:30ish, and we were at Donnie's by 11. Jeana came along, of course, cause that's my drinking buddy! Christina has changed a lot, maybe even too much since the last time I seen her, which makes sense, cause if she was still 17, I'd worry. She's really tall... god, the women in my family are all looking like they are from the freakin' amazon, with the exception of my tiny little older sister, who is short, and swims in a size 0. But, geez, I'm being called fucking ZENA, which I do not like, because I'm not too happy in my fucking big bones, and Christina towers over ME, so I guess you can kind of paint your own picture. Then, to add to it, her mom is taller than HER, and my mom is the same height as me, even though she has a small frame. It's crazy though... I was set up, it fucking sucks... my mom is all tall and junk, and so is everyone in her family, even though they aren't really big boned, they have small frames, but then she gets with my dad, who has some big ass bones, because it's all about the Danish... So what do I get stuck with?? Being tall and big boned, fucking ZENA. Fuck all of ya'll that called me fucking Zena. AND I have chicken legs to boot.
Anyways, so I'm pea green with envy for my freakin' cousin. We grew up together, then split when I moved to GA. Now, she's driving a $20,000 car, lives on her own, and has a good fucking job, and did not go to school after high school. It pisses me off, because it was two key factors that got her where she is; the fact that her parents got her a car, and her location. Now, why in the world wouldn't my parents just get me a fucking car? And why in god's name did we move to Dunnellon, where there are no decent jobs??? See, I have no car of my own, so I'm not allowed to drive to Ocala on a daily basis, thus limiting my already slim job options, AND there's no way my mom will let me get out of going to school, even just putting it off so I can work hard at a crappy minimum wage job and get my own car. I fucking hate Dunnellon, which all of you know, because there is absolutely no where to work! So, basically, the fact that I don't have a car, has pretty much screwed me out of everything. If they bought me just a piece of junk car, I'd be so much better off, but NOOOOO, they SUCK, CHEAP PARENTS!! I'm so not happy with my lot in life right now. My cousin comes strolling in her with her fancy car, fancy job where she doesn't do anything all day but play movies, and a boyfriend. I am so jealous. I am in fucking Dunnellon, where there are cows mooing in the background, I'm flunking college, I have no car, I have a man, but he's so far away that he could be fictional for all she knows! I have like NOTHING going for me, and it SUCKS! But what am I supposed to do??? It's harder for me to succeed due to location, lack of transportation (even public because I live in BFE), and cheap fucking parents. DAMN IT I hate my fucking life. Stupid fancy ft. lauderdale cousin.
My other cousin Rodger is coming into town tonight. He's even older, so I won't be too jealous of his success. I don't know him that well, cause we haven't hung out since I was like 5, and he was 12, so who knows what he's like. I'm going to see if he wants to play pool tonight, and we'll all hang out tonight. Ideally, it'll be Rodger, Christina, her boyfriend, Jeana, _______[ <~~~~ fill in name of Jeana's choice in boy here, options: Donnie (ideally), Kyle, T, Kevin], Steve (I said this is IDEALLY, but it won't happen), and I. I'd really like Steve to go, cause of course I'd want him to go, I love the kid, and I think he's hot, so I can tell Christina, hey look... the guy I was fucking is hotter than the guy you're fucking, then at least I'd have SOMETHING that was better. He won't go though, I won't bother him by asking. He's really not happy with me right now. Last night, he came home, saw Jeana's car in the driveway, and staying in his car, turned right around and left. Shortly there after, we went to the lake, and while we were out, he came home. When we pulled in, his light was on. When he saw that we were there, his light went out. He locked himself in his room, and was not to be seen. I wanted my cousin to see him though, so that kind of sucked. Well, he kind of sucks, so I guess it fits.
Well, I suppose it's time to get off this machine and go to Sociology. I really enjoyed typing this long ass entry, you know what, it really does make me feel better when I pound out my thoughts. Sorry to everyone who sits and reads all this junk. :)

Wed, 17 Nov 2004 00:40:59 GMT

I'm at the college right now. I needed to get out of the house. Jeana has class tonight, so I came up here with her. Hopefully we'll do something when she gets out at 9.
I've been so sick. I have lost 11 fucking punds in 4 days! Craziness. I don't know if I made myself sick, or I just got sick, but I'm sick.. bottom line. Yesterday I went to work and I was feeling really crappy. I threw up in the fucking garbage can next to the register and they wouldn't let me go home. They wanted me to work! Not just be there, but actually do physical labor, and handle money and shit, when I just puked. I said look, I'm sorry you couldn't find anyone to come in, (which she could have if she actually TRIED) but I can't work when I'm this sick... I quit. I walked out the fucking door. That's that. I no longer work at the shitty dollar general. I hated that job anyhow.
I'm still depressed. I DO have the time to pound it out on the keyboard right now, but I don't have the will this time. I've gone over it so many times in my head now that I just don't want to go through it again. I'm in that shut down, denile mode, "everything's okay". Yeah.
I'm going to sit in the breezeway, and smoke my nicotine. That's pretty much it.

Wed, 17 Nov 2004 00:33:19 GMT

1-WHERE DO YOU LIVE? Dunnellon FL

2-SEX OR ICE-CREAM? sex

3-WHAT COLOR UNDERWEAR ARE YOU WEARING RIGHT NOW? black

4-WHAT ARE YOU DOING RIGHT NOW? hanging out at the college, waiting for Jeana to get out of class

5-WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU WENT OUT TO EAT WITH? Stephen McCallum

6-IF U WERE A TOY, WHAT WOULD YOU BE? garbage pail kid

7-WHERE WOULD YOU WANT TO GO ON YOUR HONEYMOON? Greece

8-WHATS YOUR RING TONE? I have no cell phone, I'm behind in times

9-WHAT DO YOU THINK A TOBLERONE IS? a wonderful chocolate bar, very good stuff

10-WHAT R U WEARING RIGHT NOW? a red shirt that is softer than my kitty (very soft), blue jeans, and poka dot flip flops

11-DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? nope

12-WHAT WAS THE BEST ADVICE EVER GIVEN TO YOU? "don't worry, be happy"

13-DO U OWN A VEHICLE? I wish, I drive my mom's soccer mom van for now, but it's all good, I love it

14-WHAT ARE YOUR FUTURE PLANS? I don't make plans that exceed the next day, especially when it comes to matters of my life

15-FAVORITE FILM? There are so many... right now I'm going to stick with the whole nine yards

16-LAST FILM YOU SAW AT CINEMA? wow, it's been a while... I think it was that movie about the village that they live like amish and junk, and there are monsters and whatnot, with the red x's on the doors and all.. I don't remember the name. I did not like that movie.

18-DO YOU LIKE TO DANCE? love it

19-ARE YOU TOO SHY TO ASK ANYONE OUT? nope, not shy enough sometimes. I don't have that fear of rejection

20-DO YOU SLEEP NAKED? about 50/50, depends on who I'm with, and when I'm waking up in the morning.

21-Christmas or Easter? Christmas

22-LUST OR LOVE? both

23-KISSES OR HUGS? kisses are favored, but I can't live without either one

24-WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD? being alone.

25-WORST SOUND? sand paper

26-WHATS THE FIRST THING YOU DO WHEN YOU WAKE UP? go to the potty, then get water, then nicotine

27-ROLLER COASTER, SCARY OR EXCITING? exciting

28-HOW MANY TIMES DO YOU LET THE PHONE RING BEFORE YOU ANSWER IT? however many it takes to get to it, usually up to 4

29-ZODIAC SIGN? Libra

30-IS THE GLASS HALF EMPTY OR HALF FULL? depends, I am equally pessimistic and optimistic, if that makes sense

31- BEST PHYSICAL FEATURE? eyes maybe, or my legs

32-MILK- WHITE OR CHOCOLATE? milk

33-DAY OR NIGHT? night

34-SUMMER OR WINTER? autumn

35-CAKE OR PIE? pie

36-DIAMONDS OR PEARLS? diamonds

37-SUNRISE OR SUNSET? sunrise

38-HAVE YOU EVER BROKEN A BONE? no and i hope to never do that.

39-DO YOU HATE ANYONE? no i don't.

40-DO YOU BELIEVE IN FIGHTING? it's human nature, but I don't like it

41-WHO DO YOU TURN TO FOR ADVICE? lately? Doug oddly enough, and if it's not ABOUT steve, then I turn to Steve

42-YOU COULD HAVE ONE SKILL IN LIFE WHAT WOULD IT BE? ability to make $$$ it makes the world go round

43-WHERE ARE YOUR FAVORITE PLACES TO SHOP? Bealls Outlet, Goodwill, walmart, and equally less expensive stores

44-WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE WEBSITE? livejournal.com is pretty much the only one I go to

45-WHEN YOU WERE LITTLE WHAT DID YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GREW UP? a teacher since I was in 2nd grade

Wed, 20 Oct 2004 18:25:29 GMT

"I cannot help it that I'm so good lookin'. I cannot help it that I have a perfect body. I cannot help it that I get all the attention...."
Great song.
It rained on Rosa and I. I smell funny. Like wet cigarettes.
I saw the stupid blind date guy AGAIN today. He sucks balls.
I boomed my algebra exam.
The pills went on to further effect my entire body, not just my head. My whole body tingles. Walking is exciting.
I want to see Steve.
I don't want to go to work tonight. It makes my day way too long when I have work after school. I slept 13 hours last night because I was so exhausted from work/school/Steve.
I wish I could just not work, have money, not go to school, be successful, and play with boys all day long. Not in a perverted sense, but you know what I mean.
I have Oceanography next. I'm going to get going. Gotta run to my car real quick so I can get change for a damn drink. These pills make my mouth dry like a mo' fo'.

Wed, 20 Oct 2004 15:02:38 GMT

I'm skipping Sociology today to do some good studying. I have two hours to study Math and Oceanography. I'm headed upstairs here shortly, finding myself a cozy corner, and studying my ass off. I don't know how much an hour of math will do me, seeing as I have a lot to learn, but I'll do my best. I don't need too much time for Oceanography, it's basically memorization, and having an understanding, an since I've actually been paying attention, it's all good.
I want to go to this seminar on the Vietnam War on Saturday. I'm hoping I don't have to work, because it's from 8am til 4pm. I'm going to ask off if she hasn't already done the schedule. My Humanities professor is hosting it, and he is such a good speaker, that anything he talks about would be terribly interesting.
Steve didn't come to school with me today. Nick wanted to go to the Jazz class with him today, so he's getting a ride from Nick. I can't say I blame him though, because then he doesn't have to kill time in Ocala from 9 till his class at 2. He gets to sleep in. Lucky bastard.
I went to Goodwill and got my brother's suit coat for homecoming. He is going to look so fucking sharp, that's a nice jacket. I got him a tie too. A real one, not a clip on. :) He's never worn a real tie before, lol. I'm probably more excited than he is. It's his first homecoming, and he's taking a GIRL! Yay! for Danny!
I'm on some pills.... I feel all tinglely and AWAKE! I shouldn't have taken so many though, because when ever I raise my eyebrows, or touch my head, or even move in the slightest bit, it tingles like CRAZY! It's a great feeling, feels like speed, but still, I should've taken 3 instead of 4. Actually, I shouldn't be doing drugs at all... BAD TAMMY.
I....UGH...saw the BLIND DATE GUY! I saw him first on Monday when I walked out of my classroom, I put my head down and walked straight for Steve, I grabbed his arm and told him I saw the creepy blind date guy. I was hoping I'd never see him again. Sure enough, when I walked out of Humanities this morning, there he was. I put my head down again, and walked off quickly. THEN the dumbass was walking on the sidewalk, and there was nothing I could do, I couldn't avoid him without him KNOWING it and seeing me, because we were the only two people on the sidewalk, and we were headed right toward one another... AAAAHHHHH! So I put my head down, which it was obvious I didn't want to look at him, and I could tell he was looking at me out of the corner of my eye, so I walked a little quicker, tried to look like I was in deep thought. DAMN it! I can't believe that fugly tall Nazis goes to this fucking school. Why doesn't he move deep into the mountains or something. Damn it.
I have to go study, STUDY TIME!!!
Tingling is NIIIIICEE....

school, work, steve = birthday fun.

Mon, 18 Oct 2004 15:58:51 GMT

I'm at the college again, and Steve is keeping me company. :) We went to goodwill and looked for my brother a suit for homecoming. Steve is about his size, so he was my life size ken doll! It was great. We found a relly great jacket, but have no money, so we hid it, hoping it will be there when we come back with money on Wednesday. I have to be to class soon which sucks, because I don't get much internet time today. Oh well, it's all good. There's always more time. I think I'm going to have to show up late to Math because I just realized I have to turn in my tax things to the office, and I don't have time after school to do so. It should only take a few minutes to do so, so I won't be too terribly late.
Today is my 21st BIRTHDAY!!!! I am an ADULT. It feels the same. I keep forgetting it's my birthday. I wanted to go to a bar this morning at around 8:30 and buy a beer. :) I decided to just get coffee instead. :) I've had 3 cups of coffee and I'm ready to run up the f*ing walls. I need to get going though, I have a lot more to say, but I GOT TO GO, it sucks. I have work after school today too... It's going to be a long day.
Later.

Sun, 17 Oct 2004 02:03:34 GMT

The birthday celebration started early this year. I've had a great couple of days. Wednesday I went to school, and Steve accompanined me. You already know about that one. After school, Jeana and I were off the Valdosta. We brought along this guy Kyle, who I've been trying to hook Jeana up with. We picked him up in Gainsville.
We went to Valdosta and met my honey. He led the way to his new condo, and OH MY GOD it is gorgeous. The structure has this beautiful castle quality to it, with nice red and white brick. The top has a big a frame, and it's all big and nice. I just stood in awe thinking THIS could be MY home! So nice.
Anyway, Mike and I had sex shortly after we got there, and it was fun but short. :)
We started drinking and playing a drinking game. Half way through, I went the bathroom, and mike came to check on me and make sure I wasn't puking. As soon as he walked in, I took of his pants, and hopped on the sink for some quick bathroom sex. It was quick too... even though we just did it, but it was good anyhow. We went back out into the living room, but didn't play no more. I wanted to go to bed, so we went to bed kind of early. As soon as we went in the room, we were naked, and did it again. 3 times in less than three hours... nice. I slept well, then rolled over at around 10am, and started touching his hiney, and we did it again. :)
Kyle took everyone out to breakfast at Denny's and we headed home.
I was in a mad rush to make it back before work. When we got to Gainsville, the car was smoking. We dropped off Kyle, and left, but had to call him like 10 minutes later, cause we didn't make it 5 minutes down the road before the car broke down at a busy intersection. A hot Gator boy pulled us to the gas station with his truck, then kyle got us and took us home.
After work, Mike came down here. We spend the night togehter and did nothing too terribly intersting, besides get high and eat munchies, and watch friends. Oh, and we had lots more sex.
Friday morning, I had school, so I picked up Steve and we went to CFCC. He goofed off while I was in class, then we went to the tax office, and breakfast. I took him over to Nick's house, and then went back home for a nap.
Mike woke up when I got here, but I wanted to sleep, so he went to Coach's while I slept. :) He came back with a dozen red roses and a card. He's so sweet. He got sex.
We got ready and went out to dinner. We went to Felix's, which is a wonderful french restaurant in Ocala, real fancy. We were all dressed up. I had a $15 filet migon that was the size of like half a hamburger, and he had some 24 dollar sea food. It was delicious, and I actually got pretty full, but it was just funny that it was 15 bucks for that tiny steak. We got water to start and the waiter goes, I'll start you off with water, bottled or tap? I said bottled. Sparkling or Mineral? I said mineral. Mike looked so confused. The waiter walked away, and mike said, I want coke... how do I order coke? do they have coke? What am I supposed to call it? Anyways, the waiter brought the water in this nice thick glass tall bottle in a wine cooler thing, and sereved it too us and charged 4 bucks. 4$ for WATER! I kept the bottle. :)
He dropped $64 for dinner. It was so sweet, no one has ever done that for me before.
After dinner, we went to the pool hall, and JEana was up there waiting. She was dressed sooo hot, just cute as a button, and Mike was wearing a blazer and dress shirt, and I was in a little red dress. We looked hot. Rosa and Lucas stopped by for a while, but didn't stay nearly long enough.
After pool, Jeana went home, and Mike and I met Steve and Doug up at the lake. We went straight from the lake to Steve's house because it was too cold to hang out outside.
We started drinking, and vaporized some pot. I was so fuckd up I could hardly walk. Steve and Doug were dressed nice too, because they were playing at the Ocala Wine Experience. Steve was wearing a suit, and damn he looked fine... Yummy.
They all played musical instruments, and I closed my eyes and let the room spin around me. It was GREAT. Donnie wasn't there, or else Doug wouldn't have been allowed over. We had to get rid of evidence that we partied there.
Mike and I went home at like 5am, and I put on some music and high ass heals, and danced for my baby. Naked. Then we did it again. I passed out immediately afterwards.
He went home today and I went to work.
All in all, it was an awesome birthday weekend, and my birthday hasn't even come yet. Man, I can't believe I will be a full on ADULT on MONDAY! I can purchase alcohol, rent a car, and get a hotel room, all kinds of good stuff. I'm going up.
I was thinking about my Steve and Mike situation. I have two men, who I am crazy about, but I can't make up my mind. TOGETHER they give me everything I could ever want. I don't want to give either one of them up. I'm hoping I won't have to make that choice either. I'm hoping Steve will finally pick up and move and make things easier on me. I don't want him tobut at the same time, Mike is the clear choice. I don't know, it's two completely diferent people. Mike has my heart, and my body. But Steve has my mind and my soul. How do you know which is more important? I don't know. I'm just going to kick back and see how things fold naturally. Meanwhile, I'm enjoying watching them fight over me. :) Evil? I know.

Mon, 11 Oct 2004 06:58:02 GMT

Jeana and I are going to Valdosta Wednesday evening, WOOT WOOT!
It's going rock like satan, but Jason won't be there, so it won't be at it's full rocking potential, but it'll be good times, none the less. I finally get to see the new APT, my future hissy. It's going to be greatness.
Anyway, I spent the entire night talking to people on AOl. It was more fun than it sounds. I was trying to hook Jeana up with some people to get her the fuck away from Kevin, but I was unsuccessful at first. There's this one kid I always talk to because he im's me all the time. I don't find him too terribly interesting, but I talk to him anyway, because he adores me. I did a nice thing and ofered him to Jeana. LOL, he sent her his picture.... HAHAHA, he looks like a big bubbly alien with a receeding hair line and a curl in the middle of his forehead!!! LOL, I never seen that picture. He's huge, and he's so damn funny looking!!! It's hilarious, cause I was pushing her to date him and i had no clue what he looked like, she must have lost a little faith in "the goddess" after I tried to hook her up with THAT.
Anyway, I think I scored on the last one though, my friend Kyle signed on. He's attractive, highly intellegent, sweet, traditional, 24, personal trainer, he's an all around good guy... THEN she hits me with the best thing I've ever heard in my LIFE, I keep saying it over and over, she's so great, she said.... "he's a personal trainer... what would he want with me?? my FLUB?" Isn't that great?!?!?! I laughed. I love Jeana. Anyway, I hope they hit it off because I know he's a good guy, knows how to treat a lady, and he's so much better than the crap she drags in, no offense JEana, but he's no Lewie, he's no Kevin, and he's no Donnie... well, I don't think Donnie was too bad, just didn't work out, but ANYWAYS, good night.

Sat, 09 Oct 2004 06:42:15 GMT

I start work at Dollar General tomorrow at 8:30am! I know it's lame, but it is in Dunnellon, down the street, and I'm just glad I'm no longer jobless. It's not so bad, I should be getting decent hours and the pay sucks, but I'm in line for the management position because she likes me so much, so I'm going to work my ass off so I can get that quick promotion.
Anyway, I was going to spend the night over Steve's house tonight, but it got too late, and when he finally called, I told him nevermind because he took too long. He promised he'd call sooner tomorrow as soon as he gets off work and I can spend the night tomorrow. I love spending time with him, he's a good companion, and I feel safe and open because I know it's not serious. When things get serious I tend to scare easily. Mike is dieing to be my boyfriend, and it's geting difficult keeping him at bay. I just don't want the long distance thing until the moving in thing is in the works.
He told all his friends that I was moving up there next semester, and he has everything all set up, and wants me to live with him so eargerly. It's adorable.
I told mom when I got off the phone that he told all him friends I'm moving in with him next semester. She started crying... WTF?? She's been getting on me about moving out, every time she gets mad at me she tells me to get out. She even packed up my room one night, and now she's crying, on her knees, begging, PLEASE don't leave me before I get a house! I need you! WTF??? Then why is she always telling me to get out? I'll tell you why she NEEDS me, this is messed up, it's because as long as I live here, Daddy will pay child support, even though he was supposed to stop paying when I turned 18. He agreed to pay as long as I lived here though. Now, if I move out, she doesn't get that child support, and she's lost VAlarie's child support, and that's her income, that and widow's benefits, so she wouldn't have $$$ if she didn't have kids. See, I don't eat here, she doesn't buy my clothes, doesn't buy my shampoo, conditioner, soap, makeup, tampons, toothpaste, gas, cigarettes, nothing, with the exception of the toliet paper, and water and the roof over my head, so the majority of that child support goes into whatever she wants it too, not to me. SO, I have to stay here until she saves enough to buy a house, and meanwhile, she's trying to put a leash on me now that I am 10 days away from being 21 with curfews and you can only go out 2 times a week and junk, trying to be a better mother, and when I was 17 I had NO curfew and did whatever I wanted?? NO, this is going to be a sticky situation real quick. I think I got the edge now. I can go out when I want because the ball is in my court, cause she can't say when you don't live under my roof you can do what you want, so I'll just say okay, I'm leaving then, and basically get away with the normal things that 21 yr. olds should be able to do in the first place. I'm not saying I'm going to go out and get plastered all the time, but not being able to go out after midnight?? Give me a fucking break!! When I was 16 I wasn't home before 2am on school nights and it didn't matter!! Why now?? Anyway, that's a whole mess of crap that doesn't matter, just venting. Good night.

Wed, 06 Oct 2004 18:55:36 GMT

I'm at the college, but I'm not in class. I had a project due in Oceanography that I should've started on a long time ago. I sat down in my room last night, all ready to do it, but you need the internet to do it, SO I was screwed. Webtv wasn't compatable with all the websites, so I didn't get any information. Mom wouldn't let me drive up here, because she's being a bitch, so I couldn't get any of it done. I figured I would do it today before class, but mom was fighting with me because I wouldn't agree with her when she said she wasn't drunk the other day, and all I said is well, I thought you were drunk (which she was, but she was lying to the people that didn't witness her, and I was telling them the truth so she got mad) and she told me that I had to move out. I told her I had a place to go, Mike wants me to live with him, but I was waiting until I was through with the semester first, and she got mad, she said I don't give a shit about your school, you don't care about me? Why should I care about you?? You're just my daughter! She said I couldn't use the van to go to school, so I couldn't go to school this morning. At around 11:30, so opens my bedroom door screaming, WHY AREN'T YOU AT SCHOOL? You're such a fucking screw up!!! Yadda yadda... I said you told me I couldn't use the van, she said she wasn't serious, so now I'm at school. I didn't get the project completely done, and I'm supposed to be in that class now, so it's going to be late. Oh well, at least I got it half way done. I'll turn it in Monday if she'll accept it.
My mom is an idiot. She's about to get her ass bakeracted (sp?). I'm done with it, it's not healthy, and she's ruinning lives. She's going down. I've had enough.
I think I'm going to go over to Donnie's to see if Steve is there. I need money, and he owes me $30. I wouldn't give a crap if I wasn't down to my last pack of cigarettes. I nasty habit, yes, but you don't want to see me going through nicotine withdrawls. I'm one mean little girl.
I'm hungry too. I wish I had money for food too. I would love something to eat right now. We don't have any food at the house, so I can't eat there, and can't eat out because I have no MONEY!
I can't WAIT till I start working again.
I hate being poor.
Well, I'm going to head over to Donnie's so I can get some money, then I'll head home. I don't have much else to do here, I already got the info off the net for the hurricane project, so I'm bored now.
Later.

Mon, 04 Oct 2004 16:45:14 GMT

I'm at the college with good old Rosa. I haven't hung out with her in over a week, I was having withdrawls.
The other day, the 2nd, was my brother's 16th birthday. It was crazy! I came home and there are like 10 skateboards stacked up on my front porch. I walked into the house, and mom was cooking his birthday dinner, meatball subs. I walked into my brothers room, and turned right back around and walked out! It was scarey!!! There were like 14 16yr. old BOYS in my brother's room, all rowdy and smelly from skateboarding. It was a good birthday though, we all had a good time.
Danny's friend, Mike, brought his guitar with him, so we sat down and I taught him how to read tabs, and together we learned the song Blister in the Sun by the Violent Femmes. It was so easy, and I practiced it so much that I actually remember how to play it. It's awesome. Ever since I went to Sam Ash with Steve in Orlando, I've wanted to get a guitar. I think after I buy my car for $500, I'm going to take a few of the left over $100's to purchase a nice guitar. There was this beautiful on at Sam Ash for $445. It was a blue acoustic fender, that was the most beautiful guitar I've ever seen in my life. It was so easy to play too. It was wonderful.
Yeah, so I think I'll pick up guitar.
I wonder if I'll run into Steve today. I am hoping so, because Rosa wants to take a tour of Full Sail, and so does Steve. I'm thinking I could reintroduce them, get the date set up, and all go together, and include good old Lucas. It would be fun.
I did another set of 100 crunches last night, after my last entry, how good am I? I am the BEST.
I need money. I got the job at Dollar General, just waiting for my background check to go through. That's still not a good enough salary, so I'm still looking. I need money now though, so I didn't turn down the job.
Well, I'm getting bored with this journal entry, so I'm off to Astrology.com to check my horoscope. Yes, I do this daily, I am just that geeky.

Mon, 04 Oct 2004 04:31:21 GMT

I'm back into the working out thing. I'm feeling good about it too, and I think success is going to be a much easier task this time. I WANT to do this. No one is pushing me, and I'm finding it incredibly easy, which has never happened. I've always had to convince myself to not eat that, or go work out, but this time it just fits. It feels like routine already, and it is only the third day, but it felt like that the first day. It's my Christmas present. My old jeans will be my Christmas gift. I'm doing it! Today I jogged THREE MILES! I didn't even do that when I was working out with Rosa. She'd be proud. Yes, it nearly killed me, but I survived. I also did 100 crunches. I did 150 yesterday, but no jogging. I'm going to do another set before bed.
Anyway, I didn't go to school all last week. Monday school was cancelled because of the hurricane. Wednesday, I skipped for Incubus. Friday I skipped my one class because I was exhausted from Incubus. No more of that junk. I won't miss any more school.
Steve is going to CFCC now on Monday's and Wednesdays. He's playing with the jazz band. The professor was so excited about having a horn player that he told steve he didn't have to pay or anything, just gets to join, just like that! Lucky kid. He went back to Orlando tonight to get his license plate and junk the thing. It is junk anyway.
I watched Chris Rock tonight, that is one funny ass black man.
I'm sick. I woke up this morning with the worst sore throat. I saw it coming though. I've been battling it with Vitamin C and exercise. Mike was sick when he came down, but of course, didn't tell me until he was here. He got pink eye too, but he didn't have that when he was here. If he ever gave me that, I would be so mad!
Oh! When I was running today, a big bettle or some kinda hard bug smacked dead into my eye! It was gross, I was mad. I hoped he died. I started thinking about the tiny little parasites on bug, and how they are all swimming in my eye, using my eyelashes as diving boards.
Alright, time to sleep. I gotta get my rest if I want to fight this cold. Nyquil is the best, I swear it was handed down by god's mighty hands. It's awesome..

Fri, 01 Oct 2004 07:18:28 GMT

Last night was one that will go down in history that I will never forget. It was so interesting that you could write a book on it.
I'll start from the top though, with the night before the concert.
I was talking to Mike, and he wanted to come down and see me, because he loves me and he wants to be with me and all. He was on his way down shortly after the call ended, so I expected his arrival in 3 hours. Just as soon as I got off the phone with him, Steve called me. He said he was coming over so we could talk about plans for the concert.
He showed up and we stayed in the driveway and talked. First thing he mentioned was that Bobby told him to come over or something, then bitched him out about that Melissa thing, saying I thought you were my friend and whatnot. We got into that and I told him how I felt about it, and told him I was upset and he told me that he was not trying to get her in to bed, and he never had any intention of doing so. I told him I didn't believe him, but after a while, I kind of realized I went a little over board on the crazy.
We got to talking about us and that convsation went a little weird, and unexpected. He told me that I drive HIM crazy. He said that I drive him crazier than I will ever know, and I will ever care to know. He went into how much he enjoyed being crazy about me, and I'm the only person that he has been interested in so much for this long since he's been down here. He told me that he loves me.
STEVE told me that he loves me. I was odd. Earlier in a conversation before he told me that he loved me, I mentioned that I had never made love before. He corrected me, he said no, you made love to me, he said we made love. It was passionate, it was there, and it was undenieable.
We went into a 2 hours conversation about us, so all the above said is all I will bore you with, because this entry will be LONG ENOUGH with just that bare essential details.
Mike pulled up shortly after Steve left. I didn't tell him Steve came by, or anything about Steve. I don't want to hurt him by doing so. He doesn't need to know. We had a good time together. We had lots of sex, drank some beer, and talked about us. My love life was the main topic of the night both with Steve and Mike. It was a lot to handle.
I got two hours of sleep and Steve showed up at my doorstep so we could take off to Incubus. We wanted to leave early to spend the day in Orlando. We left shortly after 11.
When we got to Orlando, we went to this Italian restuarant for lunch. It was delicious. Then we went to the Velincia College because he wanted to look into their music program. When we parked in the parking garage downtown, there was this begger who came up to us. He was really nice, and looking for money, so he sung us a song. He asked Steve if I was his girlfriend, Steve said yes for some reason, and then the guy asked if Steve loved me. Steve said yes. The guy then asked me, do you love Steve? I said yes. He sung us a song called Steve and Tammy, about how much we love each other. It was really sweet, but it was so hard not to laugh, I couldn't resist. I laughed the majority of the song, just because I couldn't believe it was happening. We gave him a few bucks, and didn't speak about what that guy just sang, just pretended it didn't happen.
We went to a music store after the college, and Steve played me a song. It wasn't very good either. Then we went to the Mall of the Millina, or whatever it's called. We killed a good two hours there, just walking around and talking.
Eventually, we made it to the concert hall. I was so excited I could pee all over myself and not give a crap. We arrived about an hour early. We hung out outside for a while, then headed in. The first person I saw when I walked through the door, and of course I was looking for him, was JEFF HOPKINS!!! YaY! I told Steve to pretend to be my boyfriend, grabbed his hand and headed straight for Jeff. He was standing in line to buy Incubus stuff. He threw his arms around me and we talked a little bit. He was with his dad. I introduced Steve. It was great seeing him, I got the shakes.
Anyway, nothing signifcant happened with that.
We got to our seats, and there were some up front totally empty, so we sat there instead. Front and CENTER. It was great until we had to move half way through the opening band. The Vines were excellent, by the way.
Our seats were pretty good, actually. There was a girl next to me that was a lot of fun and I talked to her a lot. She kept buying me beer for no reason, so that was awesome.
Incubus was INCREDIBLE. It was mind blowing, orgasmic, indescribable. It was just awesome. It far exceeded my incredibly high expectations. It was the BEST concert I have ever attended, and Steve agreed.
After the show, we went to Wendy's, and from lack of enough money, we headed home. I only had 22 bucks, and he had a dollar. That's not enough for a hotel room.
We were on the interstate, I-4, and that piece of SHIT Lincoln stops right on an overpass. Couldn't get it back going, and we were STRANDED.
We went to the hotel La Quinta down off the exit, and Steve called his dad for money. They wouldn't do a transaction over the phone. His dad couldn't western union the money until the morning. We went to 5 different hotels and not one of them would do a phone transaction. There was no way to get money, and no where to go. This exit had 5 hotels, a few gas stations, a denny's, and everything else was closed. We had no where to sleep, no way to get money, and no way to get home. I was in surprisingly high spirits and so was he. I wasn't mad, I was tired, but not cranky. I had had only two hours asleep, it was damn near impossible to bring me down after that show.
We went to a building that was more secluded, some realastate office, and sat on the steps for a while. We killed time there, but the clock was ticking slowly and we couldn't get money until 10:30 the next morning. Where would we sleep?? We were both exhausted, and wanted to sleep, but couldn't sleep on the steps. We walked around for a while trying to stay awake. We came across a little air conditioning housing thing that was empty on the side of the building. It had a door, but it was about up to my shoulders, and didn't have a roof or anything, but at least people wouldn't see us in there. There were razor blades in there, and left over building junk, like boards and things, but surprisingly, there were no bugs, and it was a gorgeous night. We laid under the moon, and talked for a while. Around 4 am, exhaustion took over, and we fell asleep. We slept for almost an hour on the hard cold cement, and 5am there was this loud noise that scared the shit out of us, and woke us up. It was dump truck, and it sounded like it was about to put a dumpster right on top of us, so we jumped up fantically from fear of being crushed by a dumpster. Luckily, it didn't.
I started getting cranky. We would probably be arrested if we were found sleeping there, so we relocated before someone came to open the building.
We found a family center building for troubled families, and Steve wanted to sleep on those steps. I couldn't fall asleep because we were right next to the interstate and were listening to the morning rush hour traffic. I was eaten alive by mesquitos. I laid there with Steve on the cold cement for a few hours until the sun came up.
When the sun came up, we went to Denny's for breakfast. We killed a few hours there until they stopped bringing us coffee and we read the entire newspaper.
We started walking around and I was irritated. I had blisters on my feet, and I was exhausted. We found Sam Ash music store, which was great, so we sat out in front of it until it opened at 10am. We went in there and played instruments for each other.
At 10:30 we went to western union to pick up the money his dad sent. His dad sent $500 bucks!!! We tried getting a rental car, but we didn't have a credit card, so we called for a taxi, and took off to Greyhound.
I finally got the opportunity to sleep at 4:30 in the afternoon. I was up for 32 hours, after only having had two hours of sleep the previous night. I was delirious. I slept at Steve's house so I'd be uniterrupted. He went off the work, and then to jam with his friend Doug, and I slept 8 of the best hours ever slept. I got a shower in before sleeping too. Man does STeve's shower SUCK! It's horrible.
Anyway, that brings me here. After I woke up at 12:30, I came home. I'm HOME! I'm going to sleep more.
There are so many details that I left out, I'm going to be talking about this for a long time. I have never slept on steps before, never slept outside! I was a homeless person for a night. It was an experience. We talked about so many things too, that I wish I could tell you guys, but I'm so tired, and I'm going to end this entry. It was something else. It was not all good, but I'm glad it happened. It was a night that will be unforgettable.
Good night.

Tue, 28 Sep 2004 22:42:43 GMT

I'm so fucking irrate I could kill a bunny. Yes, that's right, a helpless fuzzy fucking bunny. I've been crying like a little girl over A BOY... A FUCKING BOY!
Melissa called me up last night and wanted to go out. To avoid driving too much, we hung out in DUNNELLON, I fucking hate Dunnellon.
We went to Coach's and called numberous people to hang out with. In Dunnellon, things are better with high numbers of people because that's the only way things are fun. We got Jeana and Matt. They met us at Coach's but they were closing up early, cause they're gay like that, so we decided to move the gathering to the lake. Matt and I went to the gas station so he could buy beer, and Jeana went with Melissa to Wal-Mart so Jeana could avoid driving all the way the RLE. We would meet at the lake.
While at the gas station, Steve pulls up, and was getting gas for Donnie. I invited him out to the lake even though I shouldn't have because he's an ASSHOLE!
Anyway, on the way to the lake, I told Matt to drive by Justin's to see who was there. Melissa and Jeana and Donnie were there! So we pulled in. I walked right up to Justin, pointed my finger at him and told him he was a fucking asshole, and took him aside to bitch him out about some rumor that happened a while back. I straightened things out with that.
Chris pulled up, because he was supposed to meet us at the lake, but we weren't there. Then, Steve and "diaper head" a.k.a Doug, showed up. After a bunch of bullshitting around, we moved it to the lake to get our drink on.
Jeana, Melissa, Matt, and I were hanging out at the lake, and shortly after Chris showed up, then Steve and Doug, and then Donnie showed up with Justin, Nick, and Jen (Nick g/f). It was a lot of people, so I was happy about that, because in the beginning of it all, it didn't look like Melissa and I were going to have a very fun night since we didn't have many people. Anyway... Steve ignored me, pretty much. I was mad, and told him he was bipolar, which made him mad. After a while, Steve and Doug were going to leave. I said fine, whatever, goodbye, and he SHOOK MY HAND! What's that??? He regressed from the wonderful PDA to shaking my fucking hand. I suggested he stay, but he said no. So he's walking away and Melissa goes Steve, where are you going? Of course, he turns right around and stays when she asks, didn't put up a fight or nothing just because she wanted him to stay. That alone kind of got to me, but whatever. We stood around and bullshitted some more, and then Melissa wants to talk to Steve in private. What the FUCK?? I was going MAD while they were talking! He wants her so bad that it makes me CRAZY, it's HURTS it fucking hurts.
After they came back to the group, I wanted to leave. I announced my departure, and people started taking off. Melissa pulled me aside and asked me if I was mad. I wasn't mad, I was JEALOUS, so jealous. What was it that he wanted in her that I lacked? Why would he go for my best friend when he's supposed to be friends with her boyfriend? Why didn't he want me???? What was wrong with ME?? This universal question of "WHY?" is what brought me to tears. I went home and I CRIED LiKE A FUCKING BABY!
Melissa called me up this morning from work, and told me Bobby broke up with her! Fucking idiot, I won't go into that because I don't know that Melissa wants it broadcasted. She also told me STEVE came by her WORK! In all the time I worked at Murphy's not ONCE did he come SEE ME! Why did he go see her??? WHAT does he want with her?? Does he think she'd actually go for her??
I hate him.
Actually I love him, that's the problem. It's all my fault really, I wasn't supposed to get my head wrapped around him. THIS WASN'T SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN!! I wasn't supposed to get hurt! He was supposed to be MY play thing, my toy, keep me amused, not the other fucking way around! I wasn't supposed to develop fucking FEELINGS!
I went to Steve and Donnie's after I got off the phone with Melissa. Donnie was in Justin's driveway, so I stopped there. I vented to Donnie and Justin about all that SHIT that Steve did. I yelled, I kicked stuff, I was upset. I told Donnie I was going to his house to get my fucking book and drop off Steve's things that he left at my house and I was done. He asked about Incubus, and I told him I wished to DEAR GOD that I could bring him instead, and if he had a working vehicle, it would be him instead of Steve, hands fucking down.
Incubus is TOMORROW! and I could not be more excited. I am going to go with Steve, treat him like the asshole he is and try to ruin his time, then that's it. I'm DONE, no more smooth talking me out of it. The SHADEY ASS MOTHERFUCKER has crossed a line and caused irrepairable damage. All the things that he did in the past, the not calling, it was forgiveable. What he's doing now, it's malicious and undeserved. As of Thursday, Steve will be history.
I am going to fall in to Mike's arms before another complication aka BOY, comes in to my life, and I'm off that meat market, and I'm all his. No more melodrama. No more steve. He was the biggest complication between Mike and I, and he was the only person that had the capability of taking me away from Mike. He has officially lost his chance.
Anyway, I'm going to crawl up into a ball and DIE because I HATE BOYS and BOYS HATE ME!!! Steve can be thrown from a car onto train tracks and have his legs run over and not be found until he bleeds to death and spend eternity in the firey pits of hell for all I care.
He SUCKS
he just sucks.
DAMN IT I swore I'd never CRY OVER HIM!
Bipolar Asshole.

Fri, 24 Sep 2004 13:38:00 GMT

I'm at the college. Humanities, my only fri. class, let out early, so I'm taking advantage of the gift of time by wasting it on the internet.
After I took Emily to school this morning, I went to Chevron to check up on the job. She wants to hire me, but her supervisor is on vactation, so I have to wait until Monday to find out whether or not she got the okay from him. I'm crossing my fingers. I have a back up job though, thank goodness. I have a job interview with Dollar General at 10:30am today. Don't laugh. I know it's lame, but it's DUNNELLON, what do you expect? It least it's not burgers.
I have a lot to do today. I'm tired, because I stayed up too late too, which was dumb. I have the chevron thing done, and the school thing done, now it's interview time. Then I have to go shopping. Doesn't sound like an impossible task, but you guys don't know how it is shopping for 6 people and getting damn hurricane supplies. It's hell. It's Wal-Mart hell. Winn Dixie too, but that's not so bad. It's not just a few things either, nnnooo, it's a few carts full of junk. Hurricanes piss me off, maybe they are trying to blow me out off Florida or something. I am going to be irrate if Incubus gets CANCELLED next Wednesday. I'm gritting my teeth about that. I'm afraid to even check the damn website.
Anyways, after shopping, I have to go home, get my mom up, then pick up Emily, come BACK to Ocala and go to the tax office and pick up mom's proof of not filing, and my proof of filing. That's a headache too, especially when you have to take a 5 yr. old into any federal building. Then, it's back home, probably take a nap, and Steve's coming over after he gets off work. If he's too late, I'm going to be like nevermind, go to hell.
He called me yesterday after he got of work, and I was kind of short with him. I was in a crumby mood to start, so he suffered the rath. I cooled down though, and we talked for quite a while. We never talked on the phone that long. We were laughing about playboy jokes, and Donnie's drunkardness. He's coming over to finally get that damn financial ball rolling. It's 9:36 right now, so he's probably just waking up to go fishing.
Anyway, I'm going to do some web surfing now.

Thu, 23 Sep 2004 22:38:50 GMT

Man, last night was a blast. I needed to talk to Steve about our financial scheme and get the money making ball rolling, but I called and his cell phone wasn't working. They still don't have a phone at their house, so I called Jeana up, and we went over there. We arrived around nine, and they weren't home! So, we went to coachs to see if Donnie was there. Sure enough, he was there. He was working on drinking his depression away. When we got there, he was alone at the bar, and the bar tender handed him his bill and told him she had to give him his bill now. That was kind of odd, but you'll find out soon why that happened.
Jeana and I played a game of pool, and I'll not tell you what happened in the end result of that game...
After the one game of pool, Jeana and I went over Donnie's house. He was so drunk he was swerving all over the road. It's a good thing we did go up there and get him, he shouldn't have been alone in his condition.
When we got to the house, he said he puked on the bar!! It was so hilarious. I was cracking up laughing while he's telling me about puking on the bar, and falling all over the place while he's telling us the story about puke boy. He was so mad that he did that. He fell down twice in the living room, so I stood up and prepared myself for the next fall. Sure enough, he began to fall again and I caught him.
We played poker for a while and he says lets play strip poker, lets play strip poker. We said no, and eventually gave in, because I know how much he sucks ass at poker, and he'd be in his skiveys before us anyway. Sure enough, Jeana and I won every hand, and he was in his boxers before we had both our socks off! It was great. We quit before anyone got completely nakey though.
Steve hadn't come home yet and midnight was near. I told mom I'd be home at midnight, so I called to tell her I'd be late. Someone was on the phone though, so I couldn't get through.
I drove down to my house to tell her I was staying later, and told donnie we'd be right back. On the way to my house, I saw Steve's car at the gas station, so I pulled in. When I pulled in, Melissa was there too! I asked Steve if he was coming home and he said eventually. He was being an ass again, which SUCKS because he's been good for an entire MONTH! Why now? Anyway, I turned my attention to Melissa, and she followed us back to Donnie's.
Donnie was asleep, and wouldn't wake up! Melissa and I talked for a while, and then Jeana woke donnie a note about their situation and junk. Jeana came out, and we wanted to hear the note, but she didn't want to read it where donnie could possibly hear, so we went in Steve's room. She read the note, and we revised it. We read a little playboy, and I wrote something about a finger, some wierd thing out of playboy for steve and bitched a little for him not coming home. Oh, we smoked his pot too, cause I was mad at him.
After a little while, we decided to go home, because Donnie was asleep and it felt kind of weird being in his house while he's sleeping, and we were all sleepy too.
So, to end the night, we took 3 pairs of Donnie's boxers, got them nice and wet and stuck them in the freezer. :) Then Jeana wrote on her note.. p.s. why are there undies in the freezer?? like we didn't know how they got there, make him think he did it while he was drunk.
We went home, and I was sitting here getting ready for bed, and someone tapped on my window!! I answered the door, and it was Melissa! She couldn't get Bobby to wake up and let her in, so she slept at my house.
It was a blast though, first taking care of drunk donnie, then doing girly slumber party stuff with my girls. Mucho fun.
Today I picked up the van from the machanic.
Tomorrow, I have to go to Chevron at 8 and see aobut the job, head to school, then head right back and go to a job interview at Dollar General. Personally, I hope I get the job at Chevron. We'll see.
That's it.